Saturday, August 22, 2009

just venting (feel free to skip this post)

sometimes i want to have a baby so bad that it hurts.  i want to start a family of my own with justin.  i want to have children that i can raise and teach and encourage and discipline and lead and love.  i want to have children to have traditions with and make good memories with.

it seems like im at the point in life where almost everyone i know has children or just had a baby or is pregnant.  i am happy for all of them.  but sometimes i just feel like its not fair.  when will it be my turn?  why cant i be the one announcing to the world that im pregnant?  i cannot even come close to imagining how happy i will be.  you can ask my husband.  its what i want more than anything.  my biggest hope and dream is to be a good wife and a good mother.  and thats all.

i know that God is God, and His timing is always right.  i know that ill get my chance someday, but now is not a good time.  i know that justin isn't ready... he is still in school.  and i know we dont have the money or the space.  but will we ever feel prepared in those ways?  i dont think so. 

i could just cry my eyes out right now thinking about it.  and no, its not this bad every day.  some days it doesnt even cross my mind.  most days i have the thought, but its no big deal.  and then occasionally i have days like today where its all i can think about.  my heart hurts.  i feel incomplete.

i just really hope that every person out there that has been blessed with a child of his/her own is truly grateful. they are really sweet and precious gifts from God.  it makes me sick to think that people take their children for granted or that people dont want the children they have been blessed with.

sometimes i feel crazy for feeling this way.  i dont think its normal.  at least i have never known anyone else that feels like this.  or at least they havent told me about it.  i mean i already think about names and nursery themes.  i read books about pregnancy and parenting.  i have childrens books, clothes, and toys stored away.

im ready.  just waiting on God.  and wondering why that is so hard to do.

6 comments:

Candice said...

awww. I know you're so ready to have a baby. I can tell by just how you act with Ava and she's only your neice.. I'm even ready for yall to have one! lol But we just have to wait.. God is going to bless you with a beautiful baby when he knows yall are ready. I do know that when you do have one it will be loved and spoiled so greatly! I know you have soo much love to give!

Besides I think yall should wait a litttttle bit longer.. I DO wanna be closer to my future neice/nephew when the time comes. Ava is going to need a great cousin to play with! ;)

I love you my sister! I can't wait to see yall!

In this wonderful life... said...

AWWWW! This is so sweet. I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I definitely go through this a lot as well and I know God does have a plan for me and you as well! Just hang in there. I don't think "we" can ever prepare. God will bring it when the time is right! :)

Karah said...

Hey! I just happened to come across your blog. You are not alone in feeling this way. I feel the exact same way and I know there are other girls out there that feel just like us. I definitely go through spurts. Lately the baby fever has been really bad. All of our friends are either pregnant or have kids so when we all get together we are the only ones who don't have kids. I also have a precious niece who I love dearly but sometimes I find myself feeling jealous of my sister in law. My husband states hes not quite ready for kids yet and I know we need to save some more money and get in a better financial situation, but its hard not to imagine what it will be like to be a mother. Gods timing is always the right timing. I haven't blogged in a long time but I still keep up with the blog world and wanted to comment. Your post really touched me and I just wanted you to know you aren't alone :)

Karah said...

I did read some of your past posts and your niece is adorable!! Glad that you commented back. Hope you have a great week and just remember all good things are worth waiting for :)

Melissa said...

I just came across your blog and want you to know you are not alone. First let me start with my name is Melissa and my blog is Stafford Stories and I came across your blog through twitter and KellysKorner. Kelly is my neighbor and I was on twitter this morning and saw you two discussing dinner. Anyways let me get straight to the reason I am leaving you a comment. You are not alone! My husband and I have been trying to have a baby now for 2 years and it is the most frustrating when you know you will be great parents and nothing happens. We have had several IUI's and one IVF. We took the summer off to see what happens and hope that GOD gives us a blessing soon. When you say that everyone around you is pregnant or having babies I know exactly how you are feeling. I just had two of my sisters have a baby for the past three months and my best friend last month. It is not fair and it hurts everyday. I think about having a baby every day...it does not go away. I hope that god blesses you soon with a baby. I will keep you in my prayers and if you get a chance stop by my blog. Have a great day!

Summer said...

You are not alone in your thoughts and feelings on this....I pray to God every day that His plan involved me getting married and having children. It's what I've always wanted...to be a wife and mommy...and so far, it just hasn't been my path.

I trust in God that His wonderful and perfect plan will play out in His time and although some days are harder than others, I just hold strong to my faith.

You are in my thoughts and prayers sweet girl...

-Summer