real thoughts...

***This is gonna be a long one***

I finally have some time alone.. some free time.  (I do have class in 2 hours, but I don't want to think about that just yet.)

I still haven't figured out exactly what is going on in my spirit/mind/emotions/heart right now.  All I know is that I'm being changed.  It's not an easy process either.

For the past 3-4 years I have been a Christian.  Although I grew up in church and loved Jesus, I didn't really give my life to Him until much more recently.  And only in the past 2 years have I really started having a daily personal relationship with Christ (which in my opinion is what being a Christian is all about.)  I read my Bible.  I talk to God about things big and small.  I pray for myself, my family, my friends, and others in need.  I go to church regularly twice a week at least.  I have been involved in small groups.

BUT something has not been RIGHT.  Lately I just feel this extra burden in my spirit.  Something tugging at me.

I know I'm not living my life in a way that completely glorifies God.  Sometimes I get caught up in the busyness of my life and start just "going through the motions".  I go days at a time without spending time with my Creator.  I don't treat my husband good.  I don't put others before myself.  I can be plain out rotten to be honest.

However, I know I'm called to more.  I know that I'm called to walk as He walked.  I'm called to be loving, joyful, patient, kind, forgiving, merciful, faithful, etc.  I know that I'm called to be a Godly wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend, teacher.  I know that I'm called to share God's Word and His Love with those around me and those on the other side of the world that have never heard His name.

My question lately is "how do I get from HERE to THERE?"  There's a huge difference between where I am and where I need to be, where I will one day be.

Although I still don't have it figured out, the Lord has been speaking some things to my heart.  He's been telling me first of all that in order to see a change in my outcome, I must first change what I'm putting in.  If I continue doing the same things, I'm not going to see changes in my life.  For me, this means that I need to change how I spend my time.  I need to spend less time watching TV and movies, less time on facebook and myspace, less time reading blogs, and more time focused on my Savior. 

He's been telling me that I need to stop focusing my attention on the troubles in my life.  I am one to always look at my storms/battles/problems.  But instead I should be focusing my attention on the positive things in my life.  I need to be thankful for all that I do have.  I am blessed beyond measure.  God is so faithful to Justin and myself.  He has never let us down.  Ever.  It's so easy for me to say that and know it is truth, but when hard times come it's not so easy anymore.  Well, my goal is to push myself to be more positive in all things.

He's been telling me that He is that same as He always has been and always will be.  If I could trust Him so many times before, I can trust Him again.  And again.  And again.  And again.

He's been telling me (and this is one of my favorites!) that if I'll do my very best, He will do the rest.  I don't have to be perfect or near perfect. I just have to desire to be better and put myself completely out there, and He will meet me where I am.

 

I always see great speakers, great musicians, great singers, great prayer warriors and honestly I want to be like them.  I want to be a person that leaves a mark on this world when I leave it.  I want God to use me to turn peoples' worlds upside down.  I want people to see Jesus and His love shining through me.

But am I willing to do what it takes to see those things come to pass in my life?  I haven't been.  But I feel like that is where I'm going.  He is preparing my heart and my mind to take that next step.  I'm definitely not there yet, but I'm happy to be on my way.

 

and just for fun, an old pic