Sunday, December 12, 2010

baby update

I haven’t been posting anything about the “baby”, cause there hasn’t been anything to post.  But after talking with a friend last night, I’m thinking it might be a good idea to write some of this stuff down.  I know I won’t remember it all, but might want to one day.

I want to start off with a few words I’ve gotten from God in the past…

-God is going to put you in dark places where you must depend on Him.  He will teach you to trust His voice and not your eyes. (4.11.06)

-God has not forgotten about you.  He hasn’t forgotten the promises He’s made you.  Keep your faith in Him.  Don’t lose trust, don’t lose faith.  He will come through.  (10.25.06)

-… He’s getting ready to teach you a lesson.  He’s going to teach you to live this life of faith… (5.30.09)

-Your family, that baby you have been wanting, it’s coming sooner than you think. (spring/summer 2010)

-Don’t give up hope just yet!  My promises are not empty to you!  I am the God of faithfulness and I will prove my word to you.  I will not let you down!  I have a plan!  My plan for you has a purpose and that purpose lies in the waiting…. Just hold on a little longer and you will see that you will have not waited in vain.  (10.18.10)


Since probably about fall of 2005, all of my dreams have been focused on having a family.  I have wanted to become a mother so badly.  I finally found my wonderful husband and got married in 2008.  Well, he wasn’t ready to start a family just yet.  I didn’t understand then, but I do now.  We have needed this time together without children.  We have both changed so much as individuals and as a couple.  We needed time to get to know each other and learn how to be married.  Anyway, since fall 2008, it’s been a waiting game.  I was just waiting on Justin to be “ready”.  Well during the summer of this year, that time finally came!  We were very excited, but wanted to make sure we did things in God’s timing.  We prayed about it and thought about it, and finally decided to start trying to start a family on a certain day in September. 

I must pause here to say that in the two years that I waited on Justin to get ready, countless (probably around 30-40) girls I knew had babies or were pregnant.  Many of these pregnancies were not expected.  The girls weren’t even trying to have a baby.  This somehow made me think that it would be easy for us as well.  (I did have a few fears about infertility because my mother dealt with it, but those fears were dealt with over a period of a few months before we began trying.  God showed me time after time that I wouldn’t need to worry about infertility.  Thank you, Jesus!)

So, September comes and goes.. then October… then November…

Another handful or two of girls I know were announcing pregnancies throughout this time.  Some of them their second child.. one even her fourth! 

I really didn’t expect a positive test in September.  It was our first month, so that negative was easy(er) to deal with.  October… that’s a different ballgame.  I really FELT pregnant.  I just knew I would see two pink lines.  But nope.  Big fat negative.  After that cycle, I got really down.  I was so sad.  I felt like it was so unfair that everyone around me was being blessed with babies… even when they weren’t desperate for them.  Here I was crying out to God for my little one, and all I got was a negative test.  We kept trying, but I honestly just started getting bitter.  When I would hear yet another announcement, I would get super emotional.  It was like I was just being tortured.  I wanted to be happy for them, and I was… but at the same time I was so ripped apart inside.  It’s been SO HARD.  I never would have imagined that so much pain and emotions and grief and stress could come from this. 

I can’t wrap my head around what I need to be doing.  I sometimes feel like I need to keep praying for our baby to come.  That if I’m persistent enough, God will answer me.  But sometimes I feel like I don’t need to ask even one more time.  He knows my heart’s desires.  He’s heard my prayers and promised to answer them.  So should I be done with praying and asking?  I don’t know.

I have really had to lean hard on God’s promises to me.

I have had to lean hard on my husband.  He has had to hold me at the dinner table while I sobbed and big tears dropped onto my plate.  He has had to listen to me time after time after time as I try to sort through the feelings and thoughts that go along with all of this.

I have had to lean on two of my best friends.  They have been there for me through it all.

Here we sit halfway through December, and I’ve yet to see my positive test.  I’m super disappointed.  But I’m trying to remember that it’s all for a reason.  God is using this time to strengthen my faith in Him.  He is using this hard time to strengthen my marriage. 

God is going to use my story as a testimony.  He is going to use our baby in a mighty way.  I just know it!

Sometimes I just want to be selfish.  I want to say forget the testimony.  Forget that I might be able to help someone else walk through this one day.  I just want my baby!  But I know that isn’t the right attitude.  I have to take control of my feelings and give them back to the Lord.  His thoughts and ways are higher than mine.

I cannot wait until the day comes when I get to make an “I’m Pregnant!” post.  What a glorious day that will be!!!  I pray that it is soon.


**Psalm 27:14 Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen thine heart; wait, I say, on the Lord.

** Matthew 11:6 Blessed are those who don’t doubt Me.


Megan said...

Luke 1: 37 "For with God nothing will be impossible."

Praise the Lord for that promise! He has declared that even though we may think it's impossible, it's not!

I wish I could give you a big hug and tell you how much of an encouragement you are to me. I was actually thinking about you yesterday wondering when you'd post again and if it'd be with baby news. I'm very very sorry that you are dealing with this. It certainly is an emotional roller coaster. I want to encourage you in that Jesus has already fulfilled his promise. He is just waiting for the perfect time to reveal it to you.
I'm sure you know, but we've been trying 2.5 years now without even a smidge of success. This entire journey has made me see Jesus in a totally different way. In the beginning I felt abandoned, but over time He gave me contentment. I now can fully rejoice with family and friends as they welcome new little ones into their home (like my sister in law who is pregnant with her 4th and I couldn't be happier for... if anything, I've been begging her to get pregnant!). God says in Psalms 37:3-7 says,
3 Trust in the LORD, and do good;
Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness.
4 Delight yourself also in the LORD,
And He shall give you the desires of your heart.

5 Commit your way to the LORD,
Trust also in Him,
And He shall bring it to pass.
6 He shall bring forth your righteousness as the light,
And your justice as the noonday.

7 Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for Him;

He calls us to trust in Him, Dwell on Him, Delight yourself in Him, rest in Him, and wait patiently for Him, THEN He will give us the desires of our heart.

You wrote something a while ago that has stuck with me since! You said something along the lines of "I felt the Lord tell me that I need to make Him my number one priority before He will give us a child." It really convicted my heart and challenged me to put my relationship with Jesus above anything else.

On a different note, there is a book called "Taking charge of your fertility" that is a fantastic resource for getting pregnant and preventing pregnancy naturally. It will teach you all about temping (so you can really target into the period in time you ovulate) and will help you really understand how your body works.
I want to encourage you to just relax (which seems like an oxymoron because its so hard to do when you want a child), enjoy the process, take your prenatals, temp, and just trust that God is completely in control!
I'm here for you if you ever just need someone to vent too.

Karah said...

I am in the completely same boat as you. I did not want to post about it so I wrote an email instead. You can always shoot me an email and vent. I feel the exact same way. I have waited almost 5 years for my hubby to be ready and now that he is I am like where is my baby? I know exactly what you are going through. We just have to Trust in the Lord!!!

Jessica said...

melissa, i just want to hug you. i know where you are at.. i have felt every emotion & i have cried to my husband countless of times. i would BEG him for us to have a baby. and when i finally just let go.. like truly let go, we got pregnant. and i was on birth control! i am praying for you. and honey, when your time does come & God blesses you, we will all be here to cheer you on. keep praying & let God continue to move in your life. but do try to relax. God does know your desires.. he knows what you long for. and he will give you the desires of your heart. i do think of you & pray for you often. truly, i do.

The Cate Family said...

How awesome that you have written down the words of encouragement that the Lord has given you. Cling to those my friend. He knows the desires of your heart but He also sees the whole picture. Trust in Him, I have no doubt your baby will come.
I am praying for you my sweet friend.