baby update

I haven’t been posting anything about the “baby”, cause there hasn’t been anything to post.  But after talking with a friend last night, I’m thinking it might be a good idea to write some of this stuff down.  I know I won’t remember it all, but might want to one day.

I want to start off with a few words I’ve gotten from God in the past…

-God is going to put you in dark places where you must depend on Him.  He will teach you to trust His voice and not your eyes. (4.11.06)

-God has not forgotten about you.  He hasn’t forgotten the promises He’s made you.  Keep your faith in Him.  Don’t lose trust, don’t lose faith.  He will come through.  (10.25.06)

-… He’s getting ready to teach you a lesson.  He’s going to teach you to live this life of faith… (5.30.09)

-Your family, that baby you have been wanting, it’s coming sooner than you think. (spring/summer 2010)

-Don’t give up hope just yet!  My promises are not empty to you!  I am the God of faithfulness and I will prove my word to you.  I will not let you down!  I have a plan!  My plan for you has a purpose and that purpose lies in the waiting…. Just hold on a little longer and you will see that you will have not waited in vain.  (10.18.10)

 

Since probably about fall of 2005, all of my dreams have been focused on having a family.  I have wanted to become a mother so badly.  I finally found my wonderful husband and got married in 2008.  Well, he wasn’t ready to start a family just yet.  I didn’t understand then, but I do now.  We have needed this time together without children.  We have both changed so much as individuals and as a couple.  We needed time to get to know each other and learn how to be married.  Anyway, since fall 2008, it’s been a waiting game.  I was just waiting on Justin to be “ready”.  Well during the summer of this year, that time finally came!  We were very excited, but wanted to make sure we did things in God’s timing.  We prayed about it and thought about it, and finally decided to start trying to start a family on a certain day in September. 

I must pause here to say that in the two years that I waited on Justin to get ready, countless (probably around 30-40) girls I knew had babies or were pregnant.  Many of these pregnancies were not expected.  The girls weren’t even trying to have a baby.  This somehow made me think that it would be easy for us as well.  (I did have a few fears about infertility because my mother dealt with it, but those fears were dealt with over a period of a few months before we began trying.  God showed me time after time that I wouldn’t need to worry about infertility.  Thank you, Jesus!)

So, September comes and goes.. then October… then November…

Another handful or two of girls I know were announcing pregnancies throughout this time.  Some of them their second child.. one even her fourth! 

I really didn’t expect a positive test in September.  It was our first month, so that negative was easy(er) to deal with.  October… that’s a different ballgame.  I really FELT pregnant.  I just knew I would see two pink lines.  But nope.  Big fat negative.  After that cycle, I got really down.  I was so sad.  I felt like it was so unfair that everyone around me was being blessed with babies… even when they weren’t desperate for them.  Here I was crying out to God for my little one, and all I got was a negative test.  We kept trying, but I honestly just started getting bitter.  When I would hear yet another announcement, I would get super emotional.  It was like I was just being tortured.  I wanted to be happy for them, and I was… but at the same time I was so ripped apart inside.  It’s been SO HARD.  I never would have imagined that so much pain and emotions and grief and stress could come from this. 

I can’t wrap my head around what I need to be doing.  I sometimes feel like I need to keep praying for our baby to come.  That if I’m persistent enough, God will answer me.  But sometimes I feel like I don’t need to ask even one more time.  He knows my heart’s desires.  He’s heard my prayers and promised to answer them.  So should I be done with praying and asking?  I don’t know.

I have really had to lean hard on God’s promises to me.

I have had to lean hard on my husband.  He has had to hold me at the dinner table while I sobbed and big tears dropped onto my plate.  He has had to listen to me time after time after time as I try to sort through the feelings and thoughts that go along with all of this.

I have had to lean on two of my best friends.  They have been there for me through it all.

Here we sit halfway through December, and I’ve yet to see my positive test.  I’m super disappointed.  But I’m trying to remember that it’s all for a reason.  God is using this time to strengthen my faith in Him.  He is using this hard time to strengthen my marriage. 

God is going to use my story as a testimony.  He is going to use our baby in a mighty way.  I just know it!

Sometimes I just want to be selfish.  I want to say forget the testimony.  Forget that I might be able to help someone else walk through this one day.  I just want my baby!  But I know that isn’t the right attitude.  I have to take control of my feelings and give them back to the Lord.  His thoughts and ways are higher than mine.

I cannot wait until the day comes when I get to make an “I’m Pregnant!” post.  What a glorious day that will be!!!  I pray that it is soon.

 

**Psalm 27:14 Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen thine heart; wait, I say, on the Lord.

** Matthew 11:6 Blessed are those who don’t doubt Me.